Heartbreaking Realisation
by auburnhairedgoddess
Summary: Kathryn has been admitted to rehab after Sebastian's funeral. In her cell, she ponders her life and what she has become...Contains strong language, sexual references and mentions of drug use. STORY COMPLETE!
1. Chapter 1

Ok, this is my very first fanfiction ever and the first that I've ever uploaded on the internet, so please don't be harsh if you comment. Constructive criticism is the best policy. :)

So, here it is, and it's Cruel Intentions. This is set after Sebastian's funeral when Kathryn reads the journal. After the whole school discovered her scheme and drug addiction, the rush of so many emotions caused her to faint. After recovering in hospital, she is sent to rehab. All alone in her cell, Kathryn contemplates her life… Please R&R. There will hopefully be more parts added later.

This is going to contain some strong language and sex references.

I do not own Cruel Intentions.

**Chapter 1 ****– Contemplation**

Cold walls. Stained floor. High prison bars. A hospital-style bed. A lamp. A germ-infested toilet. A sink with a sliver of mouldy soap in the plughole. Kathryn Merteuil felt like she's been given a one-way ticket to hell. In her world, only the best was good enough – and that included all her possessions, her friends, her lovers. Second best wasn't an option. She strived to be admired. She craved attention and adoration. This is what made her the person that she was: feared but respected by every girl and lusted after by every boy. Yes, she remembered saying: "Everybody loves me, and I intend to keep it that way." Well, that's down the drain now.

She recalled the mourner's faces, screwed-up with disgust as they departed the church and her panic-stricken voice telling them to come back. She recalled the smug look on Cecile's face when she handed her the journal. She recalled the feeling of sadness and betrayal as she flicked through the pages, all brought on by the boy who adored her. She recalled her headmaster opening her crucifix, letting her precious coke flutter to the ground as he shook his head. She recalled the cold, disapproving faces watching her. Then blackness.

When she woke up in hospital, her doctor told her that she had had a severe panic attack and was temporarily knocked unconscious when she fainted and hit her head on the concrete. She had barely recovered and already she was admitted to rehab, escorted in a police car. At the unit, she was given orange overalls to wear, making her feel like a prisoner and slung into a cell. She was charged with possession and consumption of drugs and was likely to do community service after a week or two. And she was to wear an electronic security tag and wasn't allowed within a two mile radius of the girls whose reputations she had spoiled along with psychological abuse. For the first time, Kathryn was in disgrace.

She slumped down on her steel prison bed. Damn it, these sheets are made from thin wool! Where are the silk sheets and the mattress to suit your body shape? Where were her designer shoes, dresses and highlights every three weeks? Where her magazines, her music, and her party were invites? She couldn't even be a geek because she was expelled from school and had no friends. Everyone who once loved her now hated her or was just no longer shy enough to admit it. Her fate decided by other people and she was left to live with the outcome. Just like the way she and Sebastian had treated so many people over the years. Well, the tables had turned now.

Kathryn knew she was a bitch. She had as well as said so herself before. But being a bitch meant you had power over others, they were scared of you, and you could brainwash them. Just not Annette. Her innocence had somehow attracted her stepbrother, Sebastian, the teenage Don Juan, which resulted in the happy couple "making sweet love." Love. Kathryn knew that Sebastian had loved her a long time ago so maybe sleeping with her if he lost their bet would be to him like making love. Except love was a two-way emotion. For Kathryn it would have been nothing more than a casual lay. Sebastian was intrigued by her maneating abilities at first, seeing her as a conquest to bang. But after discovering true love with Annette, he fell for her, hook, line and sinker. He probably wanted to settle on a little house on the prairie with her, a place with a garden and a porch, where Annette would wear flowing dresses a and aprons and make cherry pie for dessert and their kids would look up to the morals of mommy and daddy…that little BITCH!

Kathryn thumped the bed hard. Why does she always get dumped for the little innocent prudes? That reminded her of Cecile. A 17-year-old with the mental age of a 9-year-old who had just discovered the facts of life. Thought Sebastian was practising calligraphy when he went down on her. And yet Ronald fell in love with her. Kathryn was a seductive, play-hard-to-get tease who could make any man hard with a brief glance or roll of her tongue. That's what men want, right? She remembered Annette's confident conversation with her in the toilets and Cecile's smug, mocking face as she handed her the journal…and it was too much to bear. She kicked the metal bars of her cell with all her might, and began shaking them back and forth in a frenzy: "GO TO HELL! BOTH OF YOU! AND WHILE YOU'RE THERE, TELL SEBASTIAN I SAID FUCK YOU!" The next minute, two wardens came rushing in, restrained her, and dragged her off to a padded cell. Kathryn Merteuil had officially lost it.

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	2. Chapter 2

Here's the second part and I think it's the best yet. This one is more intense and also has mentions of drug use, depression, etc.

**Chapter 2 - Guilty Conscience**

Kathryn had now spent two weeks in her padded cell. She knew she had brought it all on herself but she still felt like she didn't belong here. Surrounded by all these drug addicts, she felt like she'd been sent to a mental hospital. Their hair was dull and lifeless, their skin pale and spotty, their jaws slack and their eyes wide and staring yet glazed over as if they were in a constant dream. Kathryn had always been polished and made-up and had been able to hide her addiction from everyone in the most foolproof hiding place: inside a crucifix, oh, the bittersweet irony! A saint she was not.

Ever since her breakdown, all her days had been the same, all merging into one big never-ending day. She now followed a rigid timetable which she totally resented: Wake-up call at 7:00, breakfast at 7:10, group therapy from 9:00-10:00, lunch at 12:30 and various other intolerable tasks throughout the day until lights out at 11:00. At home, she could go shopping anytime she wanted and she missed her night-time cleansing routine with a passion. She was only allowed 2 luxuries at most so with her usual possessions now being no use to her, she opted for a pen and paper so she could write a diary as it would at least give her something to do in those long hours. However, after her violent outburst, the wardens thought it would be best if they took the pen away, worried that she would break it and attempt to self harm with the jagged plastic in desperation. So all Kathryn now had to keep her occupied was her past diary entries and they weren't much good reading and mostly consisted of: _Cereal for breakfast again. Nobody talks to me and they're still weirding me out. Still no phone calls from anyone. Missing my fix of coke. _As such, she had too much time to think.

Kathryn sat rigidly on her bed thinking about all the things she'd done in her life: ruined reputations, played mind games, perverted Cecile, put a bet on Annette's virginity and taunted Sebastian for truly falling in love. She had been a calculating, manipulative, two-faced bitch to put it plainly. She had loved being able to control Sebastian, she could make him do anything she wanted. But when he became defiant – she became even more hell bent on destroying his spirit, making him worship her once again. All along she wanted to believe that Sebastian loved her, but at the end of the day, did she only believe it because she loved him? Did she just love him in a stepbrother-stepsister way or did she really lie awake at night wishing he was sleeping beside her? She couldn't even wish for that to happen now as he was dead…It was too much emotion for Kathryn to take. All the pain that she's been keeping in so long overflowed as tears began to sheet down her cheeks. If she died tomorrow, what would she be remembered for? A cold, life-wrecking bitch who everyone despised? It was more than she could bear. She clasped her hands around her knees and just cried and cried. Even when she went to sleep she couldn't escape herself in her dreams. She would toss and turn as the essays and captions in Sebastian's journal flashed behind her closed eyes: "I'm a bitch!" "Benedict Bitch -Kathryn's backstabbing world of friendship!" "Fake friend!" "Jealous!" "Attention-seeking!" "Deceitful!" "Evil!"

Suddenly, there was a tap on the glass window of her cell, making Kathryn jump. The hatch at the bottom opened up. But it wasn't time for lunch yet. "A letter for you," said the warden, pushing an envelope through. Kathryn got to her feet and picked up the letter. She had no idea who it could be from; her parents had practically disowned her and had only made one brief visit. And she no longer had any friends. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and timidly opened the envelope:

_Dear Kathryn,_

_I've heard that after you were expelled you were sent to rehab. Despite what you put me through, I hope that you're okay and fully recover when you get out. Don't get me wrong, I never want to see you again and I know that you're not allowed near me so I figured a letter was the only way to get through to you._

_I know getting Sebastian to become closer to me was all part of your scheme and given I didn't like him after our first meeting, in the end, he became one of the few people I ever truly trusted. I know for a fact that you didn't like my relationship with him, I was just another victim in your long line of innocent people whose lives you ruined. You know, I feel sorry for you as you've never experienced love. If you had you had, you would accept our relationship and Sebastian might still be alive today. I hate to sound bitter, but I just hope you know and understand that you pushed Sebastian to his fate._

_After you were expelled, I was offered to take your place of student body president but I refused it as even being in the school or anywhere in this district brought back too many unhappy memories. My family and I have moved so I can restart my life all over again. I hope you are going to reinvent yourself when you get out of rehab. Even though you turned my life upside down, I still wish you the best for the future. All I ask is that you admit your__ evil actions to yourself and swear never to go back to the way you used to be. Battling your demons will be tough but by doing so, you will be truly free. _

_Yours sincerely,_

_Annette._

Kathryn blinked back her tears and knew Annette was right. As much as the girl still haunted her dreams, she knew she had to follow her advice.

3rd and final chapter coming real soon. Please leave a review!


	3. Chapter 3

Here's the third and final part (I hope I finally get my spelling and grammar right! It's really annoying that my editing doesn't cut out the mistakes.)

Note that the Cruel Intentions theme, _Bittersweet Symphony_ by The Verve is the song I use in the story. To get the full effect, listen to the actual song in the background while you read if you want. Enjoy!

**Chapter 3 ****- Goodbye Sebastian**

After Kathryn had received the letter, she realised the only way to get out of rehab was to be on her best behaviour and seem as sane as possible. She co-operated as best she could and as a result, got out one month later. Even though she wanted to put the past behind her, the first thing she chose to do was visit Sebastian's grave as she never got to say goodbye properly.

'_Cause it's a bittersweet symphony this life_

_Trying to make ends meet you're a slave to money then you die_

_I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down_

_You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet, yeah_

She entered the cemetery and scanned her eyes over the headstones, looking for the name Valmont. It was easy to spot, the grave was covered with wreaths and a photo of Sebastian was applied to the front of the black marble. Kathryn read over the inscription on the stone: _Here lies Sebastian Valmont, 1981-1999, beloved son, stepson and stepbrother._ Kathryn sighed. He had so much to live for - a promising young man with his whole future ahead of him and it was even better that he was going to share it with his soulmate, Annette. A cool, gentle breeze ruffled past but it made Kathryn shiver uncontrollably. It was like she was finally facing the harsh reality of what she had done. Her constant manipulative qualities had made Sebastian unsure of what he really wanted. He had a chance to be the good guy for once and she'd resented him so much for it. But why? She sank to her knees in front of the grave.

_Well, I never pray but tonight I'm on my knees, yeah_

_I hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah_

_I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now_

_But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing for me now_

She knew that she feared being alone. Maybe it was to do with the fact that she had been an only child until her mother re-married. All these years, she just wanted someone to lean on, someone who understood her, a true friend. She had always called herself and Sebastian "two of a kind" and it was true, there was no one else who did the things they did. He was her plaything, someone she could taunt and tease yet secretly long for. Despite the long line of girls he had been with, she was the one he always came running back to, the girl he would gladly pledge his love to. The other girls had just been a bit of fun but she prided herself in being the ice queen that he lusted after but could never have. And because of her lies and manipulation he had died. Yes, as always, the fault lay with her.

_No change, I can't change, I can't change, I__ can't change _

_But I'm here in my mind, I am here in my mind_

_And I'm a million different people from one day to the next_

_I can't change my mind, no, no, no_

Kathryn pulled Annette's letter out of her bag and read over those last words again: _Battling your demons will be tough, but by doing so, you will be truly free._ She closed her eyes and replayed all the events of her life ever since Sebastian was introduced into it right up until the very end. "I'm sorry…" she whispered. Already she was starting to feel a sense of relief flooding through her: she had no idea apologies could feel this good. In fact, she couldn't remember the last time she'd uttered such words…yet they made her feel so much better. For the first time in her life, Kathryn put her hands together and prayed that Sebastian was now in a happier place. _They say you only find out the true meaning of life when you're dead. When you find out, let me know what it is, _said Kathryn inside her head.

She rose from her kneeling position as the points of her high heels were digging into the grass. She took one last look at the grave and walked away. One more caption from the journal flashed through Kathryn's mind, the one that was above her photo. Even though there was a hateful word scribbled at all three sides, the top had the words "My Love." Those words would stay etched in Kathryn's mind forever. Sebastian may have written them at a time before he knew Annette but it warmed Kathryn's stone cold heart that another person had truly loved her once, despite all her flaws.

The very last words she ever said to him were "Goodbye, Sebastian," and then minutes later, he was taking his last breaths with Annette crying over him. Even though she wished that she could turn back time to change what she had said they were the best last words she could have ever said at the height of her evilness. She whispered them briefly under her breath and then began walking along the pavements of the busy city. No one on the street she passed knew that this was a new Kathryn Merteuil who was walking by, one who was finally confident in herself, happy with who she was and putting the past behind her. Though she did not smile, the joy in her eyes was evident.

_I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down_

_I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down_

_Ever been down, ever been down, ever been down, ever been down_

_That you've ever been down_

_That you've ever been down_……….

THE END

Well, it's finally over. So, I'd really appreciate some feedback everyone! Please leave a review.


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